I finally decided to register for another graduate school class. I had taken the last three years off after my last failed attempt to finish my degree. Since then, I kept putting off taking classes. All that seemed to be offered were classes I had already taken, or featured subjects and authors I didn't like, or were geared more towards teaching English than anything else. Finally, this fall semester, the school was offering a class on sociolinguistics that appealed to me, as well as one class that fit each of the previous three categories. Sociolinguistics is the study of how people choose what languages to communicate with and how those choices are made. I had seen related topics show up in my various social media feeds, and that just seemed to be the right coincidence to make me take the class.
I ordered the lone textbook over the summer, and I received it a few weeks before the class began. I had read the first eleven chapters by then. I even started to see the topics I already knew about start to show up. I was ready for the first week. There were two assignments. The first was a multiple-choice quiz about the syllabus. You had thirty minutes to complete it, but I only needed ten, since I had the actual syllabus to study from. The other assignment was to introduce yourself to the rest of the class, while mentioning a few things about yourself, including the first time you heard a foreign language and what you were planning on using your degree on. I didn't give out too much about myself. I don't like to be too personal around strangers. I couldn't remember the exact time I heard a foreign language, but it was probably on Sesame Street now that I think about it. I mentioned how I wouldn't be able to watch the video lectures that go with the class. (I just don't have the time, patience, or attention span for the optional information.) I had to say that I didn't know what to do with my degree, though. I just wrote that I wasn't going into teaching nor pursuing a doctorate. I couldn't write the real reasons though, how my mother was pushing me to do it so it would look better on a resumé that I finished my degree or how I had already spent so much time and money that I might as well just finish.
Well, you also had to reply to at least two other introductions, with a few sentences at a minimum. You also couldn't read the other introductions until you posted yours. I was the third one to post, and I noticed that both of the first two were involved in education. Not surprising, as the majority of my previous classes were like that, although I sometimes had a non-teacher like myself in most cases. I waited until more people posted to reply, and my fears started. Not only was I the only one without any experience in education, but everyone else seemed to had been in teaching for at least five years. Most were in the ten years range. Three had advanced to administration, at least. One had even recently retired, making them around my age or older. I had no connection to anyone. I could barely come up with even a sentence to reply to anyone. There just wasn't anything there to connect with.
I was hoping that when the second week rolled around the discussions would be more about the textbook. I was wrong. The assignment for the second was to discuss a time in your life when you either used the topics in the chapter in communicating or heard someone else use them. Now, even at my best, I'm not that talkative. I usually stay out of such things unless I'm very comfortable around the other people, or if I'm very confident about the subject matter. It can take me weeks, or longer, to truly feel comfortable around people enough to talk with them. That's one reason why I never made any new, real friends in college. I just wasn't around them or comfortable enough to strike a friendship. Even if I share almost everything with someone, if I don't feel a spark, I won't be able to talk to them about that much. However, if I feel a connection, that bond lasts with me, even if the two of us have almost nothing in common.
This lack of friends is one reason why I had my panic attacks after college. I became quite the loner, barely leaving home for many years. When I did, I barely talked beyond a minimum. Even today, decades later, that stress prevents me from speaking sometimes, especially when paired with a minor speech problem and continual stuffiness. I just lost the few social habits that I once had. Sure, I can write most of what is on my mind, but even then, I can be terse. This blogcast being a huge exception.
Anyway, I emailed my professor with my concerns that I didn't have any recent examples for the assignment, nor any memories about the topic. I also raised my doubts over the three projects for the class. Not many details were given in the syllabus, but all three seemed to possibly include interviews, something I didn't think I could schedule or conduct on my time. I emailed early in the day, but he didn't respond until that evening, although I didn't look at it until the following morning.
His response was fairly cordial, although he might not have realized he was writing to someone who may have been older than him. ( From his video and credentials, I think he's younger than me, but I could be wrong.) He noted my concerns, and he suggested that there could be a work around, basing my assignments more on written communication rather than spoken. Still problems for me, as I mentioned, I don't write much to people either. I didn't even write a lengthy birthday note to a close friend recently like I usually do just a few days ago. I didn't feel the need. I was panicking a little by then, and I quickly made my decision. Like I had many times before, I emailed the school when I got to work and asked them to drop me from my class.
I was just starting my task that I mentioned in last week's post, when I began to have doubts. The long lists of books made me think that maybe I should find a way to take the class. Unfortunately, as I said last week, once I started going over that list, I couldn't stop. This was made even harder due to the fact that I have to use a different browser to contact the school, as their system works better on systems other than my default Safari. For some reason, my work took much longer than average to finish. Nearly an hour longer. There was no way I could contact the school by that time. Last Tuesday was the last day to withdraw from a class, already past the last day to register for a new one.
I hate that I flaked out yet again. It makes me hate myself. I only need two more classes to pass to get my degree, but I keep finding stupid reasons not to take them. I dropped this class even though I knew that the rules for withdrawal had changed, making it less of a good option. I don't know why I'm doing this. Yes, I can be exacting in my decisions, but this is getting ridiculous. I have legitimate reasons for doing this, but they just seem stupid after the fact. I never even responded to my professor about dropping the class. I was just too embarrassed to explain my stupid qualms.
The only bright spot is that I don't have to shorten my posts here like I was initially planning to when I was going to take my class.
I'm a horrible person for doing this, again.
