I've done something recently that I almost, kind of regret. See, earlier this year, I decided to write a letter to someone to show my appreciation of them, after they had a bit of bad news. I started it, but the letter began to evolve into something else. I kept adding things, and people, to the letter. I managed to keep it short enough, but it was still a little unwieldy. I had to start and stop on it a number of times, as my ideas kept changing and growing. I had to add a little extra information, as two of the people involved had never met before. I kept putting off actually sending it, as it never seemed to be the correct time. I took a month off, rewrote a few things, and put it off again. Last month, things finally changed. I was getting frustrated from losing so much in one of my games. I got so mad, I finally sent off the messages to everyone to be included in my burgeoning network. I had to revise a few final points first, as some things had since changed since I started this project. I have yet to write a response to my messages. I'm just too nervous and embarrassed about what I did. I don't even know if one person even received theirs, as I had to go through an intermediary. I think I may have over-shared a few things, but I had to do it. Admittedly, I may have gone on a tangent, so my intent got lost. It is a bad habit of mine. I can define a goal, actually see how to get there, but others only see an unnumbered connect-the-dots where I see a straight line. I frequently have to go back in some games and puzzles just to make sure I didn't make a mistake and got to a point without finishing any of the points in between. I sometimes just know the answer, without knowing how I got there. My problem is that I am a creative, unconventional person, but others try to make me into something else. For much of my school years, I felt that I had the label of a logical, analytical thinker. That's technically not me. Sure, I can work that way, but it is not always natural. It is more like a round peg in a square hole situation. It works, but it is not a tight fit. I was in college for I finally realized this fact. I mean, I always felt I was a creative type, but few others would agree with me. Even after I realized this, I kept falling into the trap of thinking I was more analytical. That's one of the reasons why I've had a hard time trying to find a career. I want to express myself, perform for an audience. Instead, I get pegged for a desk jockey. Who wants to file papers and work on files so much? I'm not just an "outside-the-box" thinker; I ignore the box entirely. At least, I try to when I get the chance. While I'm not impulsive, exactly, some of the best decisions I ever made came when I trusted my gut or heart over my head. My problem is that I don't know how to find something I want. There's not that much of a market for someone who can craft a pretty good first draft of a sonnet in under a half-a-hour. My plan in college was to explore all of the different aspects of my creativity to find the one I liked the best, but I wound up in the wrong place without those opportunities. That's one of the reasons for my recent missive. Once I get the right people around me, maybe I can finally get my life back on track before it is too late, if I haven't already missed out on too much. I really need to do my follow up. I just feel like I messed up, and I want to take a long as possible before I see just how much I may have fouled up.
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