To Change the Ugly Ways of a Fictitious Game World

    Last month, I picked the latest edition of an RPG I liked at the local game store. I would have ordered it through my own store, but my distributor doesn't carry the publisher.  With my pre-order discount and store credit, I got the book for twenty-five dollars off, otherwise I might not have purchased it.  Or I could have waited until this past weekend and purchased it at 40% as part of a pre-Halloween sale at the store. Whatever.  I wanted to see for myself if it was a bad, or good depending upon the social media feed, as I had been hearing.  Personally, I found the game lacking.  Not completely horrible, but not really memorable either.  Basically, mediocre.  I will be writing a review on the gaming forum I'm on later today.  Actually, I will be writing the first part of the first phase of my review process today.  See, I am thinking about writing multiple reviews based on different criteria to better relate the true impression of the game. Currently, I'm planning four reviews.  One, based entirely on the game itself divorced from any other outside influences.  Phase two will be comparing it to the other new games in this line.  The new games introduced some features that appeared to be highlights, and I wanted to see how well this game carried through.  Phase three will be a comparison to the previous editions, seeing how much was changed and how much was maintained.  This is where I'm expecting the rating to start going down.  Finally, phase four will be about how well the game stacks up with all of the 'issues' that have come out about its development since it was announced a year ago.  I didn't want to use 'controversies' so as not to show any unfair favoritism.  However, it is not looking too good.  These reviews would just be a prelude into my real goal--expressing my ideas about how to reconcile the current edition of the game with the older ones.  It could get pretty complicated, but by starting with this review process, I might be able to accomplish something I've been putting on the back-burner for quite some time. When I first discovered these games way back in the 90s during my 'bleak' years, it changed me.  I was able to re-invent myself.  Sure, I was still not able to actually play with others, but I found something that opened a new avenue for me.  At one point, I was seriously thinking about trying my hand in game design. Table top RPGs as opposed to computer games.  I do not have the programming knowledge to go that far.  I am a geek not a nerd, regardless of what others think of me.  In fact, as was very close into looking into how to work for the original company, when most of my game collection got destroyed in the 2003 flood, and the game company switched to a new business model soon after. I seriously thought about asking again once I felt comfortable with the new model. I even had an okay rough draft for a new game that I have mentioned a few times in earlier posts on this blogcast. Then the original company folded before I could accomplish anything more. I won't go into the messy details, but things eventually turned around with a new company founded by some of the people from the old place.  Unfortunately, the IP ended up with a video game company from Sweden who doesn't always have the same ideas on what to do with it as the older fans or the original creators.  Still, it might have been a great fit for me if I could have gotten into the business.  I almost certainly would not have become rich, but I might have been content.  I'm probably too old to think about that now.  Technically, I could still create a side project and make a few dollars under licensing agreements, but I just don't really have the self-publishing skills.  It just seems so daunting to me to try and come up with this all on my own.  At least I can share my ideas.  That's better than nothing.

Shadows Outside Your Window, Sort of Halloween

    It is a little under two weeks until Halloween, and I just don't feel or see it. Oh, sure, I see the decorations and candy everywhere, but there is not that much out there that is making me feel special about it.  So many homes and public displays are just using almost the exact same thing as they have done. I mean, when you see one house with a miniature inflatable Chucky, you see two more houses next door with the exact same thing.  I drive by the three neighbors every day.  It gets so predictable that it is no longer enjoyable.  There are a few other Chucky inflatables out there, but these three just irk me the most.  Other homes are going a little understated than their past attempts.  A house that had a full-sized skeleton climbing a pole, chasing a smaller skeleton and a dog skeleton on the top, now just has the bones sitting on the fence, with the largest one holding a black flower in its teeth.  Their crazed clowns are sitting along the fence as well, instead of randomly popping up around the yard.  The look is capped off with a pair of inflatable candy corns. Some homes still haven't decorated, after years of having great displays.  However, there are still a few new pieces that are grabbing my attention.  One home has a giant, inflatable killer clown, waving a giant hammer.  Another has a happy witch riding a crescent moon.  That one is rarely inflated.  The biggest display is still the same one as last year.  The place has a bunch of mannequins in costumes all over the yard, in multiple tableaux.  There are more crazy clowns, a trio of witches, a few blood-drenched nuns, a masked killer, and even a Harley Quinn, although that one seems to be currently missing.  There is still time for the stragglers to decorate, but I don't expect anything to elaborate from them in so little time.  My own decorating seems lackluster as well.  I don't feel comfortable leaving any decorations out at my place, so I decorate my store instead.  It is pretty much the same as last year's design.  Maybe a few things are in different places.  The main new item are two more small plastic 'stress-ball' brains that were in goodie bags in the past year, for a nice creepy three-part display.  I almost forgot to put out a small black cat head, but I remembered it from a dream. That actually happens to me quite a bit.  Another disappointment for this Halloween are the new treats.  That aren't that many.  Sure, there are a few new 'mystery' flavors of sodas, but I don't drink those brands, so that is a no-go for me.  Not really any new candies that I can find.  They might be out there, but they are either in brands/flavors I would never try or just not really out around here.  There is one new thing that came out recently that I would love to try, but they aren't Halloween-related.  It's Hostess's new 'Chocolate-Lover's Twinkies.'  They are chocolate Twinkies, but with a chocolate-creme filling instead of the regular one.  Now, there have been chocolate cake versions with the normal filling around for a few years now.  They used to come in two-packs, but you really only see them in boxes now, and not on a regular basis.  I did see them in a Halloween-theme box lately, though. I saw the new ones a few weeks ago, but I didn't buy them when I had the chance  They have been sold-out ever since.  I will get a box of them the next time I see them.  I don't know if I will like them, but they look very interesting.

Show Your World to Me, Yeah, in a Boy's Dream

     So, I finally decided to dip my toes into online dating.  I thought, "I've had my phone for over a year now, so I might as well use it for something more than Golf Clash and secondary authorizations." I won't mention where, so don't try to find me.  Besides, I am not sure if I set it up correctly anyway.  I would have asked for help, but I don't really know any people who would be using a dating app.  Most of them have been married for ten, fifteen, twenty, or more years.  Some are even grandparents, so even their children wouldn't be of help to me. This will come as a surprise, as I have never dated before.  Shocker, but I do believe I have mentioned it a few times here before.  Yeah, I've had crushes, but I never followed through on them.  In high school, I could never tell who was available or when, so I never seemed to have a chance.  The fact that they were dating guys I would consider friends made it even more difficult.  I didn't know about the 'bro code' back then, but it just didn't seem right to play my hand.  It was my senior year before anyone tried to help me out, but it was too late by then.  I was almost eighteen, so lower grades were entirely out of the equation.  There was also no one in my senior class I was truly interested in, who wasn't already in a fairly stable relationship. I bided my time until college, but nothing would come of it.  As I frequently mention, I hated the school I went to, so I tried not to make any sort of connection to anyone.  I probably wouldn't have been able to go out anyway.  I was staying at home and commuting, and my mother kept my on a very tight leash.  I wasn't even able to go back to school one night to participate in a mandatory assignment.  I had to do a make-up to compensate.  Once, I was about fifteen to twenty minutes late getting home.  I saw my mother pass me in my car as she had decided to go out to look for me.  Did I mention it was only 6 pm? In August? On a clear day? When I was thirty?!? There are parents of teenagers who wouldn't go out looking for their kids in such a situation.  Okay, they would probably have phones on them, but you get the idea.  Basically speaking, the only social situations that I am completely comfortable in would be academics and shopping.  I just haven't had the opportunity to go anywhere else.  I just wish I had someone to help me out.  I once had a copy of Dating for Dummies at my store, but it was sold before I had a chance to really read it.  [There are actually weirder 'Dummies' books than this.  You might want to see what's available.] My real problem is that I think I probably have waited way too long to start looking.  You see, I've always wanted children, as in more than one.  I was always so lonely as a child, so I would like at least two so that my kids wouldn't suffer the way I did.  As most women in my age group either don't or can't have children, this means I'll be looking for women younger than me, by at least fifteen years.  Not really best scenario, as such an age difference isn't really looked well upon.  Also, I have become pretty set in my ways.  If I had found someone in my twenties, like most people, there would have been some room to change and adapt.  I'm practically a curmudgeon in my ways, albeit somewhat immature, but I still won't change much. Everything just keeps coming back to the fact that I am so old, I feel that I missed my chance. I was just waiting until it felt like the right time, when I had a good start at a career, you know.  Now, that time may have slipped away, never to come back. I hope that I am wrong.  So many doubts.  I may be way over my head this time.  We shall see.

Take These Chances and Place Them outside the Box

    I've done something recently that I almost, kind of regret.  See, earlier this year, I decided to write a letter to someone to show my appreciation of them, after they had a bit of bad news.  I started it, but the letter began to evolve into something else.  I kept adding things, and people, to the letter.  I managed to keep it short enough, but it was still a little unwieldy.  I had to start and stop on it a number of times, as my ideas kept changing and growing.  I had to add a little extra information, as two of the people involved had never met before.  I kept putting off actually sending it, as it never seemed to be the correct time.  I took a month off, rewrote a few things, and put it off again.  Last month, things finally changed.  I was getting frustrated from losing so much in one of my games.  I got so mad, I finally sent off the messages to everyone to be included in my burgeoning network.  I had to revise a few final points first, as some things had since changed since I started this project.  I have yet to write a response to my messages.  I'm just too nervous and embarrassed about what I did. I don't even know if one person even received theirs, as I had to go through an intermediary.  I think I may have over-shared a few things, but I had to do it.  Admittedly, I may have gone on a tangent, so my intent got lost.  It is a bad habit of mine.  I can define a goal, actually see how to get there, but others only see an unnumbered connect-the-dots where I see a straight line.  I frequently have to go back in some games and puzzles just to make sure I didn't make a mistake and got to a point without finishing any of the points in between.  I sometimes just know the answer, without knowing how I got there.  My problem is that I am a creative, unconventional person, but others try to make me into something else.  For much of my school years, I felt that I had the label of a logical, analytical thinker.  That's technically not me.  Sure, I can work that way, but it is not always natural.  It is more like a round peg in a square hole situation.  It works, but it is not a tight fit. I was in college for I finally realized this fact.  I mean, I always felt I was a creative type, but few others would agree with me.  Even after I realized this, I kept falling into the trap of thinking I was more analytical.  That's one of the reasons why I've had a hard time trying to find a career.  I want to express myself, perform for an audience.  Instead, I get pegged for a desk jockey.  Who wants to file papers and work on files so much?  I'm not just an "outside-the-box" thinker; I ignore the box entirely.   At least, I try to when I get the chance.  While I'm not impulsive, exactly, some of the best decisions I ever made came when I trusted my gut or heart over my head.  My problem is that I don't know how to find something I want.  There's not that much of a market for someone who can craft a pretty good first draft of a sonnet in under a half-a-hour. My plan in college was to explore all of the different aspects of my creativity to find the one I liked the best, but I wound up in the wrong place without those opportunities.  That's one of the reasons for my recent missive.  Once I get the right people around me, maybe I can finally get my life back on track before it is too late, if I haven't already missed out on too much.  I really need to do my follow up.  I just feel like I messed up, and I want to take a long as possible before I see just how much I may have fouled up.