Well, This Is Socially Awkward

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to an event, but I ultimately chose not to.  I had the money.  I could have found parking.  I just didn't go, mostly because I didn't know what to dunce there.  I said to myself that I was too busy, which I kind of was, but I still could have found enough time to attend for a short time.  The thing is, I have never been allowed to go anywhere.  When I was growing up, I was all but forbidden to go anywhere by myself.  That is the main reason why I liked school so much.  It was just about the only place I was allowed to by myself.  My mom didn't like going anywhere, like the movies or a concert, especially if we had to drive a long distance or pay too much money.  I was pretty much stuck at home, doing nothing.  I was hoping college would change that, but it didn't.  I had the misfortune of staying at home for college, with a 4:00 pm curfew.  Even if there had been something I would have liked to see, I wouldn't have been able to go.  I even had to miss a mandatory class assignment, because I wasn't able to go to the school.  I might have been able to do something over the years, but without anyone telling me what to do, I was too afraid to go it alone.  One of my biggest wishes during those lonely four years after college (technically it still is) was for someone to remember me and take me away somewhere, showing me just how to be more sociable.  Now, I constantly regret never learning how to go out on my own.  I have never been anywhere, and I am too scared that I won't fit in, even if I tried.  It is one of the main reasons why I wanted to go back to college.  School is one of the few places where I know I can fit in.  Sure, it would be with people who were mostly half my age or so, but I would fit.  (The only other place where I feel totally in control is shopping, by the way.). Unfortunately, online classes just don't have the right social interaction that I am craving.  I shouldn't have caved in to my mother's demands again.  I should have trusted my instincts and enrolled in some undergrad classes instead, even if it would mean moving to the school.  Now, I worry about messing up my plans because I am not easily fitting in for online material.  The stupid thing is that I am not shy.  I still have dreams of acting or performing in other ways.  I just don't know how to act with others.  It has been a hard time without having very close friends for almost thirty years.