Well, This Is Socially Awkward

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to go to an event, but I ultimately chose not to.  I had the money.  I could have found parking.  I just didn't go, mostly because I didn't know what to dunce there.  I said to myself that I was too busy, which I kind of was, but I still could have found enough time to attend for a short time.  The thing is, I have never been allowed to go anywhere.  When I was growing up, I was all but forbidden to go anywhere by myself.  That is the main reason why I liked school so much.  It was just about the only place I was allowed to by myself.  My mom didn't like going anywhere, like the movies or a concert, especially if we had to drive a long distance or pay too much money.  I was pretty much stuck at home, doing nothing.  I was hoping college would change that, but it didn't.  I had the misfortune of staying at home for college, with a 4:00 pm curfew.  Even if there had been something I would have liked to see, I wouldn't have been able to go.  I even had to miss a mandatory class assignment, because I wasn't able to go to the school.  I might have been able to do something over the years, but without anyone telling me what to do, I was too afraid to go it alone.  One of my biggest wishes during those lonely four years after college (technically it still is) was for someone to remember me and take me away somewhere, showing me just how to be more sociable.  Now, I constantly regret never learning how to go out on my own.  I have never been anywhere, and I am too scared that I won't fit in, even if I tried.  It is one of the main reasons why I wanted to go back to college.  School is one of the few places where I know I can fit in.  Sure, it would be with people who were mostly half my age or so, but I would fit.  (The only other place where I feel totally in control is shopping, by the way.). Unfortunately, online classes just don't have the right social interaction that I am craving.  I shouldn't have caved in to my mother's demands again.  I should have trusted my instincts and enrolled in some undergrad classes instead, even if it would mean moving to the school.  Now, I worry about messing up my plans because I am not easily fitting in for online material.  The stupid thing is that I am not shy.  I still have dreams of acting or performing in other ways.  I just don't know how to act with others.  It has been a hard time without having very close friends for almost thirty years.

Not Open to Discussion

I knew that I would be facing some problems when I started grad school.  I would need to remember all that I had forgotten from college.  I would need to find out what I didn't learn in college that I should have.  I would need to find out what had changed or altered since I was in school.  That wouldn't be too hard.  I would need to brush up on my computer skills, especially learning how to operate the online classes platform, Blackboard.  For some reason, I don't find the controls that intuitive.  My computer is not interacting with it the way it does with other programs and websites.  For instance, the spellcheck function doesn't work on any of the messages I type within it.  Things might be easier if all the professors had a uniform style, but each one does things slightly different.  The hardest thing is the discussion boards.  I am somewhat insular.  I am more of a listener, staying in the background of conversations, until the right moment.   This is especially true in new situations and people.  It can take me weeks or more until I feel familiar and comfortable enough to join in.  Until then, I usually only respond when asked directly or when I feel confident about my answer or opinion.  I can't do that here, as the discussions boards are mandatory participation.  While I can respond to assignment prompts readily enough, it is awkward for me to read and then comment on the work of others.  I am just not used to this sort of thing.  I can post my feelings on social media, like this, because there is a layer of anonymity.  I can't be sure anyone reads this.  If they do, no one has ever commented.  At least I haven't read any of them, if they have.  This sort of direct communication is foreign to me.  It is bugging me out.  I am afraid I am not doing enough for it to count towards my grades.  I could just miss out on having a good grade because of my social anxiety. I wish I could do more, but I just not in the habit of talking to people, having not had too many people to talk to for so many decades.

B.M.O.C.(Big Man on a Computer)

I didn't really know what to expect when I started my classes for graduate school.  I thought I would have one, maybe two, video lectures per week.  The professor would announce an assignment, either reading or written; and I would be given a few days to complete it.  I would have almost no interactive with my fellow classmates.  There would be no need to, as everyone would be on a different schedule.  Feedback would be minimal.  I would be told exactly what to expect, and to go about finding it.  I am mostly wrong.  There are no lectures.  In fact, what presentations I have been given are not lecture at all.  I am basically given an assignment, and then I must figure out what I must learn on my own.   Also, I have to give direct feedback to the class.  The professor and other students can then critique and inform based on what I post.  Such posts to the 'discussion board' are an important part of the overall grade.  Such assignments will be given out on at least a weekly basis. The major assignments are going to be longer than I thought they would be, although it could just be because I haven't written longer form projects as much lately.  I am unsure about exactly what I should be doing, and this is only the first week of classes.  I don't know if this is the way grad school classes are normally taught, or if this is just a hallmark of online classes in general.  It could also be that the way teaching is done nowadays, almost twenty-five years after the last time I was in school.  I need more structure than I am being given.  If you tell me exactly what to look for and what I should learn,  I can do it.  If you give me  total freedom, I frequently mess up, as I find it hard to concentrate on just one thing.   Sometimes, though, this freedom can allow me to accomplish more than I thought possible.  This partial freedom in learning conflicts with my nature.  I am a listener, not that much an initiator.   I am uncomfortable and unfamiliar with how things are being done.  It takes me awhile to feel comfortable around new situations and people.  I can't connect with these total strangers online in the meaningful that I need to so I can do my best.  I'ver been worried sick and sleepless about trying to figure out to  tailor my style with that of my classes, and it is taking way longer than I have.  I should have only taken three classes, or perhaps two, instead of the four my mother forced on me.  It is impossible at times to go against her.  She can get so mad.  I should have gone withy instincts, anyway.  I am limiting myself to no more than twenty minutes at a time on this blog, to make more time for my classwork.  So, until next week.

The Cascade Effect

Have you ever found yourself facing an obstacle, with little hope of overcoming it, when all of a sudden, a breakthrough happens, leading to even more successes?  I call this "the cascade effect."  I define "cascade" as "the moment when facing a difficult part of a puzzle or game, when a breakthrough occurs, leading to more progress and/or completion of said puzzle or game."  I have also extended this into real life events.  I developed this term many years ago.  I was trying to solve a type of puzzle I wasn't that familiar with.  It was part of a series of interconnected puzzles that lead to an overall solution.  I couldn't skip it, but I did't want to look at the answers either.  It was a grid where all the words were down clues, with some overlapping of the answers.  There was just no way for me to get ahead, until I figured out an answer.  This led to more answers and, ultimately, the puzzle and the overall solution.  The puzzle was called something like 'waterfalls", so cascade seemed like a good term for what happened.  I have since used the term for other tricky moments while solving puzzles or trying to win a game.  I also find it useful in real life situations.  For example, I recently got into an online graduate school program.  I had to wait until I could pay my tuition before getting all eighteen books I needed for my classes (thirteen novels and five textbooks).  There was no easy way I could order all of them through my university bookstore.  It would put have been too much.  Fortunately, I have other options,  I am on very good terms with two local library systems (I have been a patron of one of them since I was five or so).  I have been able to set up a way to check out most of my novels through them, without having to overly worry about being overdue.  It is also fortunate that I currently own a bookstore of my own.  Through my two primary distributors, I am able to order one of my textbooks, as wells some more of my novels, at a lower cost to me.  That still left a few books, noticeably most of my textbooks.  I am going through a different, closer university bookstore for three books.  It will be easier to re-sell them this way.  That left one novel and two textbooks that I am ordering through my own university's bookstore.  Both of the textbooks are hard to get (one is out-of-print in preparation for a new edition), and the remaining novel is difficult to find, as well.  Ultimately, I should have access to all my books before classes start next Monday.  At least that is the plan.  Delivery schedules might make some things hard, but I should be able to manage. Here's hoping I haven't made any mistakes.

I Would Prefer Not to Not to

I am writing this post on the anniversary of the birth of Herman Melville.  The title of this post is a take on a quote from one of his most famous stories "Bartleby".  I know this because I currently own book store, Booknotes.  The store usually tries to promote an author on their birthday or, in Melville's case, the anniversary of their birth. It is somewhat of a  coincidence that I will be starting an online class of Melville in just under two weeks.  I am still getting all of the books I need for all of my classes.  It should be easy, considering I own a bookstore, but it isn't going that way.   It is taking longer than usual to get the minimum number of books for an order.  One of the books is out of print. It is probably due to the fact that a new edition will be coming out in the fall.  Why not just schedule the class for when the book is more available?  I don't know.  I am only taking that particular class because I wanted at least one where writing was the main focus, as opposed to reading analysis.  I would much rather be doing creative writing, not the technical writing, which is the focus of that class.  Sure, the lessons would be useful if I ever got a teaching job at the collegiate level, but it still isn't what I thought I would be doing. Basically, I am using this as a stepping stone to a different program.  I will get practice as well as a few credits under my belt, while getting some possible letters of recommendation.  I will take my GRE this fall, early enough to take it again if I need to.   My literary blog will have plenty of examples of my writing to show the depth and quality of my work, once I edit them.  That will just leave transcripts and fees, for the most part.  I just have to do well in these four classes, even after years of not having to do strictly academic work.  Sure, I have done some writing of this sort, but not much.  I just have to find the time to do it all.  It looks like just might have a lot of extra time on my hands, soon.  That's another topic, for another post.  Anyway, this marks the first time I have posted this late on my regular.  This might become a habit, but I hope not to.  I much prefer writing in a different environment than this one.