Octuple Espresso

    I woke up just before 1:30 am one night last week, and I had trouble falling back asleep.  I had an earworm stuck in my head.  This actually happens to me quite regularly.  Sometimes it is one overwhelming idea, but this time it was a song.  Specifically, "Espresso" by Sabrina Carpenter, written by Carpenter, J. Bunetta, A. Allen, and S. N. Jones. I tried everything to get my mind off the song, but it kept creeping back in. I ultimately had to use a technique an old buddy once suggested to me in high school.  Doesn't always work, but I did fall back asleep by 2:30.  Anyway, I decided to write a song about it.  Okay, I embraced my inner "Weird Al" Yankovic and wrote a parody song about it.  I've tried doing this before, on other songs that I both either like or can't stand, but I rarely finish them.  I usually give up after coming up with a cool chorus or a few choice lyrics.  This time, I decided to go all the way. The second verse was the easiest to come up, followed by the bridge and chorus.  The first verse, specifically the ends for the first two lines kept tripping me up.  I had to find a way to end them with a two syllable beat whereas all my favorite choices were just one syllable.  I still feel like that couplet is a little off.  Note that I alternate some of the words while repeating the bridge and chorus, as the multiple suggestions work better than just using the same thing.  I also feel that my version has a better plot line than the original.  Basically, a guy who hates coffee comes up with a drink so caffeinated that one needs immediate medical attention after drinking it. (Octuple means eightfold in case anyone is wondering.) Parody is a bit of a grey area, so that is just one reason why I am only posting the lyrics as opposed to singing it.  Another is that my singing voice isn't the best, at least not at the moment.  So, without further adieu, may I present "Octuple Espresso."

OCTUPLE ESPRESSO

Now he's clutching his head

Like his brain's about to explode

Will he survive? I don't know

Octuple Espresso

Bobbing up and down, left and right

Just like a yoyo

Will he survive? I don't know

Octuple Espresso

I can't stand coffee

I don't like the taste

But I can't let all that caffeine

Just go to waste

I've got this one thought

Rattling in my noggin

For a drink, coffee snobs won't stop hoggin'

One shot just won't do for ya

Two shots, like Mountain Dew for ya

Three shots just go right through ya 

[Flushing noises] (More)

Four, five shots won't thrill ya (More)

Six shots won't even fill ya (More)

Seven shots just might kill ya

Now you're, clutching your chest

Like your heart is about to explode

Will you survive? I don't know

Octuple Espresso

Shaking up and down, left and right

Just like a yoyo

Will you survive? I don't know

Octuple Espresso

Care for a Sweet 'N' Low?

I'm working late, as a barista 

Next guy in line, looks like Dave Bautista

He sees the special, 

And he's gotta try it

Just sign this waiver

Before you buy it

One shot just won't do for ya

Two shots, like Mountain Dew for ya

Three shots just go right through ya

[Flushing noises] (More!)

Four, five shots won't thrill ya (More!)

Six shots cannot fill ya (More!)

Seven shots just might kill ya. (Dial 911!)

Now he's, clutching his head

Like his brain's gonna explode

Will he survive? I don't know

Octuple Espresso

Bobbing up and down, left and right

Just like a yoyo

Will he survive? I don't know

Octuple Espresso

He's clutching his chest (More!)

Like his heart might explode (More!)

Will he survive? I don't know 

Octuple Espresso

Shaking up and down, left and right (More!)

Just like a yoyo (More!!)

Will he survive? I don't know

Octuple Espresso

Is he gonna die? I think so

From Octuple Espresso

I Guess 'NSR' Stands for "No Subscription Required"

    A few weeks ago, I mentioned in a post about a three-month long Sirius XM free trial I had for my car, and how it was getting ready to end.  Even though the free trial ended, I still check back in to the radio every now and again, just in case there is another regular free trial in progress that I hadn't yet received notice of.  I waited a few days after the trial ended to make sure everything was over with before I checked.  First, there was channel zero, the Radio ID.  No audio, just a bunch of random letters and numbers to identify my car's radio from everyone else's.  Boring, but somewhat important.  Next came channel one, Previews.  This one is basically just ads for other channels, programs, and events.  Yes, the radio network known for ad-free music has a channel that is almost entirely ads.  If one is lucky, they can catch the channel listings.  I don't think they run all the time, but they usually are on whenever there has been a channel shake up or if one or more new channels are added/changed. Each genre block gets a mention, with breaks in between to prevent monotony.  In fact, this is how I found out about how the listings changed whenever I didn't have a free trial in my previous car, and I didn't realize that they were also available online.  Still, it isn't an ad, technically, so that counts for something.  Previously, the channel would become a simulcast of the Weather Channel in times of emergencies, such as hurricanes or huge snowstorms.  Sirius would later make it another channel instead, but they have seemed to gone out of the weather coverage.  I don't remember the last time there was a dire enough situation to warrant the temporary change.  At least it was free information when it happened. Normally, these are the only two channels available without a subscription, so I wasn't expecting anything else when I turned the dial again to get back to zero.  However, there was channel fifty-nine, the Kenny Chesney curated "NSR Radio," for 'no shoes required,' I believe. Now, occasionally, a channel pops up after a trial, only for a message to come on saying that it wasn't available, but this time the channel was airing perfectly.  I turned the dial again to see if anything else showed up, but I just went back to zero.  Chesney's channel is mostly laid back country, focusing on his repertoire, with similar country and other artists filling in the gaps.  It is quite similar to 'Radio Margaritaville," just less rock.  Country music isn't a favorite genre, so I never tried to listen to this free channel, but I would come back daily just to see if it was still there. Admittedly, it could have been worse.  I could have gotten a music genre I actually dislike, such as blues or reggae.  I could have gotten one of the Spanish or French-Canadian music channels where I couldn't understand the lyrics being song so quickly.  I could've gotten on of the political talk channels where I don't agree with what's being said.  The worst possibility of all would've been if I had one of the play-by-play channels for an off-season sport.  Nothing but updates about when baseball games were going to start and on which channels, with the occasional score update.  That would have been beyond useless to listen to during my morning commute, when no such games would be played. At least there was a chance for something I would like with 'NSR,' at least a little.

    In all honesty, I have been holding onto this story for a few weeks now.  I didn't want to mention it because I might get in trouble for having a free channel.  I was going to write this last week, but I decided that the Olympic 'junk' story had to be posted as soon as possible to be topical to the meme.  Well, soon after last week's post, 'NSR' was finally removed.  While this meant that I no longer had the situation, I had already planned to write this post for this week's blogcast.  I don't know why I had the free channel, or why it was removed.  Maybe everyone had Chesney for that time.  I never checked online or asked anyone if they had the bonus channel.  Maybe it was finally taken off for the regular Labor Day limited free trial that might be starting next week.  (It would be similar to one that just ended, just minus the channels that normally feature explicit language, such as the rap and most of the comedy channels. Also, no premium channels, and maybe few if any play-by-play channels.) Maybe it was just a random mistake that only I had.  I didn't really care.  All I knew was that I only the two always-free channels back again.  I'm still checking in regularly for the Labor Day trial though. Two weeks of variety for the types of music I rarely find anywhere else, with such a clear signal compared to both the car radio and the boombox in my store is 'hard to beat.'  Yes, one last joke from last week.  Sorry.  

A Battle for All the Bulges

    The Summer Games ended a few days ago, and I barely watched any of it.  With the time difference, I already knew the results for most of the biggest events before I could watch, especially with me in a position where I couldn't really watch them live.  Still, I could talk about the athletic competition, the human interest stories, or even the controversies, some of which are still going on.  No, I will be discussing a certain meme-worthy moment.  Not the Australian breakdancer, nor the Turkish sharp-shooter, although I almost changed my mind about him when I found out he might be a rabbit lover.  No, I am going to talk about a certain French pole-vaulter, the one who failed to qualify for the medal round when his "third leg" bumped the bar.  A very noticeable "leg."  If you look at the entire footage, and not just that one prominent photograph, you will see that one of his actual legs hit the bar causing it to dislodge.  Now, I was never an athlete in school, but even I know enough that one needs extra support sometimes, just so that one's "participles" aren't "dangling" too much.  Yes, that is a grammar joke.  I have to justify having an English degree every now and then to prove I have one.  In fact, many of the male athletes seemed to be flaunting their bulges.  Not so much the US team, as most of the males seemed to have been able to keep their "packages, " well, packaged properly.  This brought back a memory from high school, when one of my jock friends related an incident that happened to them. (Yes, most of my closest male friends were athletes, on at least one team.  Some of the on two or more.  I was just so weird that I had almost circled back around just enough to be able to hang near the cool kids.  Didn't do that much with it, but I liked it.  I always considered myself just a little bit cooler than the other non-athlete guys, although that could just be opinion and not fact.) Anyway, he was on the baseball team.  While waiting for his turn, he managed to get a "pop up" in his uniform. Now, this normally happens randomly to teenage boys.  It is perfectly normal, if embarrassing.  Sometimes it lasts well into adulthood, where it can cause even more problems than pure embarrassment.  He wasn't wearing a cup or jock of any kind, so it was still fairly noticeable when he got to the plate.  So noticeable in fact, that the announcer gave him a nickname based on his "bat." I believe he struck out, or at least I hope he did, because running to first would have been hard, difficult and uncomfortable to run while in that condition. (And to think that baseball would have been the only sport offered at my school that I had half a shot at making the team.) 

    I had heard about the pole-vault incident a bit, but I didn't actually try to read about it, or see it until an article from a comic book/pop culture website I follow featured it on Facebook.  They used a giant croissant to cover the athlete's manhood on the thumbnail, but left it off for the main article.  I was actually going to use a croissant as the main pun in the title for this post, but no one might have gotten the reference.  Some of the alternate titles included "Why Yes, That Is a Croissant in My Unitard," "Would You Like to Share My Croissant," and "You Will Always Give Me a Croissant."  That last one is a very deep dive into the mid-90s MTV comedy show The State.  A man was singing about his girlfriend breaking up with him, but the thought of her would always put him into the same state as my high school friend, using the same five-letter word starting with "b" that the announcer used for my friend.  Strangely enough, one of the few sketches I remember from the show involved bulges.  It was from a spring break special.  The cast was trying to have a high-brow Shakespearean performance, in tights.  The first man out had a noticeable bulge, but the next one out had a larger one.  As each "member" came out, they were sporting more prominent, ridiculously placed bulges, until the end.  The cast's lone female member came on stage sporting the absolute largest, most meandering bulge imaginable.  Fairly funny, but I felt a little guilty watching it.  Anyway, after checking out a few more news stories about the "bulge," more news stories about athletes started to appear in my feed.  Mostly bodybuilding tips and giants fortunately, and very few bulges.  I'm hoping that the algorithm will return to normal now that the games are over with.  Otherwise, I might have to overload on cute bunny videos just to balance things out, not that I already see quite a bit of bunnies, but still.

Signed, Sealed, But Not Yet Delivered

    Years ago, one of the first authors Booknotes ever had over for a book signing put us on the mailing list for a newsletter.  At first, I thought it was all a mistake, since we never paid for the subscription, but later my mother informed me of this much later.  Perhaps a year later.  Anyway, last Monday, July 29, the latest copy arrived in the mail.  Since it was rather late in the day and I was busy, I didn't look at it immediately.  To be honest, I barely give it more than a casual one-over as it really isn't the type of thing I like reading.  The next day, Tuesday, July 30, a postcard arrived at the store.  It was from an author who wanted to see if he could appear at the store early in the day before his book signing (at a location he didn't mention) that afternoon.  I first thought the day he mentioned was the twenty-seventh, which had been the past Saturday.  However, the "7" was actually a "2" and his event had been on June 22 not July 27.  The postcard had arrived well after a month from the original event.  Furthermore, when I finally got a chance to look at the newsletter, I discovered that it too had been delivered well after its intended date.  The newsletter featured upcoming events from mid-June to early July, and it was dated for June 14 as well.  Even if there had been printing or distribution problems, the store would have received it well before late July or the issue would have been edited to reflect the delay.  While the postcard could have theoretically been lost or otherwise misplaced with larger mail, I cannot think of a good excuse for why something as large as the newsletter was delivered so late.  The only on that even makes halfway sense would be the USPS and the latest move for greater efficiency. Decades ago, when the store first opened, a letter carrier would hand-deliver the mail to each unit at the shopping center, six days a way.  Some days, they were the only person who would come into the store.  A few years later, that changed, and the mail would be delivered to letter boxes in one of two clusters at the center instead.  The occasional piece of mail would be sent to the wrong box, but the was mostly fixable, although I still have the haunting feeling that sometimes someone would just throw the mail away instead of checking in with the right address.  Sure, this also meant later delivery times many days, sometimes after 4:30 pm.  A few years ago, in an effort to become for efficient with the mail, the USPS decided to close some of the smaller distribution centers, and reroute mail to larger ones.  This resulted in the Pikeville center being closed, with all of its mail now coming out from Charleston, WV.  While this didn't really effect most of the mail coming from outside of Kentucky, it added a day or two to all of the mail coming from inside the state, as the mail had to travel hundreds of miles extra to reach its intended destination.  This year, there was another round of consolidations.  Mail that used to be sent out from Charleston was now going to a place in Pennsylvania instead.  This could actually cut the travel time for mail from New England or the Mid-Atlantic by at least a day.  Unfortunately, most of our mail comes from the South or Midwest.  This is an automatic extra day for those locations.  What is worse is for the Kentucky-based mail.  All the extra travel time will add at least an extra day, if not two, to the already delayed mail from in-state.  So, any mail from say Frankfort, which used to take a day or two to reach the store, will now take at least four days to make the circuitous trip.  How is this more efficient?  We actually had to have one of the store's accounts switched to email billing when a bill got lost in the mail.  And this was just within Pikeville, when such mail doesn't have to be sent out to be sorted.  In the immortal words of Muffin Cupcake Heeler, "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Now, I have heard about some of the 'real' reasons about all of the moves towards 'efficiency,' but not all of them have had confirmation, so I won't go into them.  However, I will say that it looks like it is more of a move towards saving money rather than time.  It might be time to look into changing the way mail is handled, including privatizing.