Hitting the Big [Age Redacted Due to Vanity Reasons]

     Today is my birthday.  I won't mention which one, but it could be considered a milestone.  As I write this at work, I have to use an iPhone hotspot just to get internet service.  I'm trying to use as little as possible, but I do have a lot to do. I'm not planning to do much today for my birthday.  At most, I'll be getting takeout for dinner at a favorite place and maybe a piece of cake from somewhere else.  Because my birthday is in late January, I never really could plan for much.  When I was in school, I only was able to have one party.  Every other time, school was out either due to weather or sick days. By the time I was in college, I didn't have anyone to celebrate with.  This is about the same as it is now. Sure, the pandemic is partially to blame, but I still didn't have anyone close in the first place.  At best, I'll have notifications on social media, but I'm not expecting any gifts, not even a card, although that would be nice. The thing is, I don't feel my age.  I usually feel, and sometimes act, as a teenager.  While I could probably pass as someone five to ten years younger, with help, I just don't consider myself as an adult.  Part of this is due to my anxiety/panic attack in 1996.  The attack pretty much broke me down to the point where I regressed.  Ever since then, I've rarely have had the chance to feel like an adult.  I barely own my own business.  Definitely not to the point where I'm financially successful.  I put off starting a family partly because of this.  The other part is I never really learned how to socialize and date.  I was planning to in college, but when my plans for higher education were sabotaged, I just tried to make due with what I could.  Didn't really work.  Quite frankly, I am usually miserable, just trying to get from one kind of high point to another.  I'm at an age where I should be thinking seriously about retirement and grandkids, but I haven't even found employment or a wife.  I am a failure.  Yes, I've said it.  One misstep here, a small mistake there, and I wound up with nothing much to show for it. I hate it.  I've been trying to recover, in any way I can, but I need more.  I just wish I had more help.  Someone to help show me the way.  Either I'm missing them or they don't realize just how much more I need.  Not that happy a birthday statement, but more me, it is all I can manage.