Dejected

It has taken me over thirty years, but I finally came up with the perfect career path for me, about four or five years ago.  I would get a Masters degree so I could teach at the university level, giving me the support I needed so I could write professionally without financial worries.  The first time I applied to the University of Kentucky's Graduate School creative writing program, I wasn't accepted.  I tried again, but I was bound to do better and get the application in early.  I started writing a new short story submission, although it took me a few tries to come up with an idea. (I posted it on my literary blog here last week.)  I re-worked my statement of purpose to get more precise in my desires.  My biggest problem, though, was coming up with new recommendations.  I wanted different ones from the last time, ones who could better target my desires for the future, as opposed to resumé references from the previous time.  It was taking me longer to find them than I was planning on, months longer in fact.  I was able to edit my writing sample and statement to exactly what I wanted, but I couldn't find any new recommendations unless I called in some very big favors that had low chances of coming through.  With only a few days to go, I decided to go with my original recommendations.  However, I couldn't reach one of them, no matter how hard I tried.  On the day before the deadline, I managed to find a replacement.  I rushed through filling out a new online application, but I had to skip some of the optional forms.  Even after I applied, my recommendations had trouble with the links to submit.  One might have even had to go through with an alternate system because of some eye problems.  Anyway, the minimum had gone through, and I waited for the results.  I wasn't accepted.  The email and the note on my online form said that I didn't make it through at least partially because of the record number of applications.  I'm not sure if my late submission was a factor, as I think that the applications are approved in the order they are received, but I could be wrong.  Now, I don't know what I should do.  This program was the perfect fit for my future plans.  First, it is an MFA program which is a terminal degree.  I think this would allow me to teach immediately, as opposed to the mainstream MA English program that I had been taking online before I started a two-year pause.  I think I would need a doctorate first if I continue on this route, and I don't think that I have the extra time at my age to wait so long to follow my dreams.  I'm not sure I would want a PhD anyway.  Second, it is a full residency program taught on campus.  I have led a very sheltered life, barely being able to do much more than schoolwork or shopping.  I was hoping that by going back to school, I could use that as a means to finally get back into life and learn the ins and outs of socializing that I am so lacking in.  Online programs just can't provide this need.  Furthermore, I don't have that many computer skills or technical savvy.  I made so many mistakes when I took my online classes, I am amazed I was able to do so well as I did.  Also, I feel that creative writing needs face-to-face feedback to fully work.  Just posting work and trying to respond without the instant back and forth, doesn't work with me.  I barely looked at the responses I got when I took one online writing class.  The problem was equal parts technical issues and lack of connection with the other people.  Finally, the program is in state.  As I just mentioned, I have not had much experience in life.  I am not sure if I could took moving to another state for the first time without suffering from panic attacks and paralysis.  It would be too much for me.  At least I know Lexington somewhat.  The change wouldn't be as great and probably something I could handle.  Again, I don't think I could afford moving that great a distance, even if it was to a nearby state.  There is a chance I would have to live in a dorm, at my age, until I could find a place I could afford.  Even if I got into this program.  I deserve a chance to live the life I want, exactly the way I want it.  As I just mentioned, I am getting old, almost to the point where I won't be able to do anything that I have been waiting my whole life for.  I know I shouldn't have waited so long to find my goals.  I took advice that I knew was wrong for me, leading me away from where I could have gone.  Such experience led me to miss other opportunities because I was leery of making more mistakes.  I now know exactly what I want and what is best for me, I just have no idea how to get there any more.