Blue Christmas

It is all but official.  My store, Booknotes, will be closing at the end of the month/year.  It has been open since October 2000, but it is going to be almost impossible for it to stay open any longer.  I was hoping to at least keep it open long enough until I could see if I got into the University of Kentucky Graduate School.  Unfortunately, that will not be happening. Probably.  There is some last ditch solutions that might come through, but as of this writing, I haven't tried anything yet.  The main problem is that I'm not getting enough customers. The location is now so out of the way, it has to be the main destination.  No one would just be browsing nearby.  Even when we opened, this was a problem.  There were mostly services as opposed to stores.  While that changed occasionally, almost no one will be coming by if they are stopping by the church or after a workout.  Doesn't help that places keep leaving for one reason or another.  The recent mudslide didn't help matters either.  Losing our main distributor was a major blow.  This meant I had to go through one where payment was up front, meaning the money had to be there before customers got their books.  Many times, some one would allow people to order without paying first, against the store's policy.  This meant out-of-pocket money paying for things that weren't even it yet.  A final blow was the need to renew the business license.  Usually, such things weren't a big deal, but this year a form actually came in the mail.  That hasn't happened in a long time.  I don't know what to do.  I was hoping to have a job lined up, but that has been harder than it sounds.  How can I accept a local job when I might be leaving in four to six months?  Not only that, but I am not the office type.  The one setting that I might be best suited for, and I am unwilling and unskilled at such things.  I've been independent for so long that I am unsure how to work with others.  It can take me so lone to familiarize myself, I am sure I wouldn't fit it.  I'm best in academic surroundings, even though it has taken me decades to figure that out.  An artist's heart and soul, but with the mind of a scientist at times.  Such a bad combination, at times.  It would take a lot just to keep the store open until I know for certain I will get accepted.  Everything is so up in the air, I don't know what to do.  I'm scared.  I don't want to be without anything to keep me going. I don't want to loneliness to come back.  I don't want to be nothing, again.  I hate this Christmas.  So bad.  So blue, my favorite color.