Why/Y I Am

I have always kind of hated this time of year for a few reasons.  Yes, there is the increasing heat of summer and bygone memories of having to spend months out from school,alone and away from friends.  Another reason was Fathers' Day.  This will mark the forty-fifth year in a row that I will not be celebrating it.  I have never met or seen my father.  Once, way back in kindergarten, I asked my mother about him.  For some reason, I cannot remember much of that conversation.  The most I can remember is that his name might start with "J"; I never had the courage to ask since, even when the issue started to bug me.  I wouldn't have minded that so much, except I never had another male role model to take his place.  Of course, I never knew any of my father's side of the family, so forget about them for now.  My maternal grandfather died before I was born.  I don't know much about his (Hall) side of the family.  We went to some family reunions of them when I was a kid, but those visits stopped by the time I was ten or so.  I know much more about my maternal grandmother's side (Little) of the family.  While I had a few grand-uncles (or should that be great) and adult male cousins, my mom always seemed to have me visit my female family members.  I didn't really have a role model outside of the family either.  The best I had were some of my male friends who tried to teach me about being a man, but since I did not have the same base level of knowledge to start out on, a lot of those lessons either went over my head or didn't stick.   To this day, I feel that they still had more to teach me if only we had been closer friends or if we had stayed together a little longer.  Now, many of them are fathers of sons themselves, some old enough to be fathers as well.  They definitely don't need a man-child like me busting into their lives nowadays.  I was forced to try and learn much on my own.  I still find it hard to see myself as a man, as in an adult male.  Don't get me wrong, I see myself firmly on the masculine side of the spectrum.  I usually act like an adult, at least part of the time (I have always had a childish mischievous streak).  It is just where they intersect where I seem to have a problem.  I feel like I missed out on something, but I have no idea what it was.  That may be was has been holding me back, this fear that I don't know enough or that I wasn't told what to do.  The weird thing is, part of me doesn't want to know about my father.  I feel he could still be out there, possibly with a sibling (for some reason, I have always thought that I needed a brother, as if there were actually one), leading a life I could have lived.  I don't mind it, too much.  I also don't mind being a father myself, yet.  Yes, one day I would like to have children of my own, just so I can prove to myself that I can be a dad to someone.  To be honest, I really haven't liked being around young kids since about the eighth grade, but I would like to think that would change if I had some of my own.  With my current situation (and basic math and human biology), I doubt that I will be celebrating next year either.  However, within three to five years, I hope that will change and I will finally get to celebrate Fathers' Day, this time from the other side of the equation.