A puzzling little blog still looking for its voice, but sometimes gets lost and has trouble finding its way.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Every Birthday Has a Way of Being Forgotten
Today, July 26, is my half-birthday, maybe. It is the date six months after my actual birthday. Technically, it might be fairer to say the half-birthday is 183 days after the real one, but my way is easier to calculate. Although a 'real' event, I am not sure how to celebrate or when I found out about it. Then again, I don't really celebrate my real birthday either. Growing up, school way frequently closed due to weather or flu, so I didn't get to be with friends much. I had one party in the fifth or sixth grade, but it didn't go too well. I tried to throw a better party later on, but I don't remember going to school on that date again until college when I turned twenty-one. I didn't have any friends at that time to take me out to legally drink. As to the unasked question . . . I don't really celebrate my birthday any more, not since a few years ago. My mother got me a cake, but it was twice the size it was supposed to have been and decorated with her favorite type of icing, one I detest. Some of the cake had to be thrown out. I never went to many parties either. Mostly, I wasn't invited or wasn't unable to attend for other reasons or one wasn't thrown. Not even my mother likes parties for her, even though hers falls on a national holiday. (Decorum prevents my from saying which, even though one of you might share this important date.) Things started to change when I joined social media. I found out that may people consider it a tradition to wish others birthday tidings. Just a few weeks ago, I remembered that a birthday was coming up. I was just getting ready to check the calendar, when I got notified that the birthday was the previous day. I had missed another one, as this has happened to me many times before. Although I had been busy planning my store's upcoming book signing event, I have a better reason. I still don't own a computer or mobile device; in fact, I barely understand how smartphones and data plans work. Therefore, I am usually online only twice a week: Wednesday afternoons and a few minutes Saturday mornings. While I can randomly be online at other times, I am never online nights, Sundays, or most major holidays. I keep missing gaming requests from one friend, because we aren't online at the same time that often. I said before that I will get at least one device by the end of the year, I will need to when and not if I go back to school, but I am just so technologically illiterate, that I am having a hard time going through with the plan. Until then, consider this a formal apology for being late for your birthdays. I will try harder to be timely. I have tried to post early, but I am not sure how much of a good idea this is. Still, I am making progress slowly to commit to online social media. I am about a quarter of the way there, or less. Right now, I am keeping up with everything. As long as half-birthdays don't start trending , that is. Then, I will be screwed.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Dreamless Girl
The plan was for me to start dating when I went away to college. I would have at least one friend to show me how. I would be married by thirty and I would have at least three kids, so they wouldn't feel the loneliness I had growing up. (for some reason, I always pictured them as triplets or quads). Obviously, this didn't happen. I stayed at home for college, burdened by the reputation I felt I had gotten in high school. I had no friends to teach me. I also had a very strict four pm curfew, that I felt I shouldn't try to ask to be extended. Frankly, I wasn't really attracted to anyone there. Most of my female classmates were older and already married. I also may have subconsciously not want any connections to a place I did not like, such as a future wife. Who knows? Since I failed at applying the graduate school and getting a "real" job, those were two more avenues closed. Let's not forget the four years I spent mostly in exile at home. I thought things would change once I opened my store, Booknotes, but it didn't. I still was unsure about dating, especially since I had little time to figure it out. Anyway, I wasn't making enough money to support a family and I couldn't figure out what I wanted as a real career. After getting on social media, it hit me. I am forty-five and I have wasted the best years of my life. I had forgotten to even try to find someone. Even if I started dating now, I would need to be with someone about ten years younger than me to start a family, if not up to twenty years younger, perhaps. I have always hated the fact that I always seem to be alone. It is hard to explain. It was never supposed to be this way. I once thought that I would be dating in high school. It was the summer before my junior year. I had decided that I might finally ask some girls out. I had been crushing on them since grade school, first grade even. At least one of them, I was sure, knew what I may have been feeling. I thought I knew that their old boyfriends had graduated or they otherwise had broken up; I couldn't really understand the complexities of relationships (still can't, really). First week of school, maybe even first day, and I saw that they had new boyfriends. One guy had just transferred to our school! How could they even have met? To add insult to injury, some of those guys would become my closest friends by senior year. I never told them how they "broke my heart," until now if they read this. Some female friends tried to set me up with someone, but it never got further than discussion. If only I had been more assertive and confident. If only I had had more independence over the summer to be with people. If only someone had been there to help me out. Instead, I have become this passive wimp of a man with social skills rusty from years, no decades of disuse. This is not who I think I am, but it is the way someone else might see me. It is just not the way I see myself. I don't think I am destined to be alone.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Making Dreams as Real as Anything
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have thinking about applying to the University of Kentucky Graduate School to get my Master's degree in English (or a MFA in English/creative writing). I started to apply decades ago, but I never completed the process. I have been looking into what I would have to do to apply, and some of the steps are harder than others. First, I have to pay the application fee. Second, I would need a Bachelor's degree in English. Done. Third, I need unofficial transcripts (and later official ones) from every school I went to. I actually did this part, but they might not still be on file. Furthermore, I need a minimum GPA on all applicable courses as well as a minimum total GPA on core requirements. I think I accomplished that. Fourth, I will need a one or two page statement of what I mean to do for my Master's. While I have hinted at such topics in previous posts, I am still not fully sure of what I want to do. The steps get harder now. Fifth, I will have to submit ten to twenty-five pages of my work, suitable to which path I will be taking. My blog post might be adapted to fulfill the MFA qualifications, but they might not suit the Master's option. Sixth, I would need to submit a form for assistance, particularly for the Master's option, as a prerequisite for a fellowship and/or teaching assignment. This will also include my resume or CV, as I would be working for the university. I have no real work history much beyond "Self-Employed" and I see no way that will change before the next filing deadline in January. This could be troubling. Seventh, I will need to get a minimum score on my GRE, particularly on the Verbal section (MFA option could delay taking the test or possibly avoiding it altogether). This is what messed me up the first time, not being able to schedule it properly with the right requirements. Now, it is easier to schedule and enter, but other parts are now much harder. I will have to remember things I learned over twenty years ago and learn how to take a test on a computer. I also will have to determine which option is better -- waking up extra early to make a three hour drive to take a four-and-a-half hour test or trying to sleep in an unfamiliar place the night beforehand. Neither option is good. Finally, and hardest of all, I need three letters of recommendation from people who are qualified to judge my work. I don't have anyone to do that. Even if I remembered my teachers names, I have no way to contact them (if they aren't dead or such) and they might not have even seen my best work to recommend. I will definitely need help here, and I will have to call in every favor I can. I do have a few other option, though. I could try for a Master's in another subject, but I might not have the qualifications. I could get another Bachelor's first, but Art is the only subject I could finish relatively quickly (I was two courses shy of an Art minor). I have even thought about trying a different university (such as Eastern Kentucky University) which has slightly different requirements, although my dream is more going to UK than getting a particular degree from anywhere. I know that sounds a little selfish, but it is what it is. I may have glossed over a few points, but I believe I have said what I needed to, for now. Deadline is January 15 for Fall 2018. I should have started sooner, but this book signing has taken over my time. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Too Much To Say
Generally speaking, I try to come up with ideas for a new post at least a day or two before I am scheduled to update. Sometimes, I have the idea weeks in advance, especially when I have a very good topic or a gimmick I want to add. At other times, such as today, I don't really have anything planned. I usually have everything mapped out in my head and ready to be typed by the time I get to the computer on Wednesday, but sometimes things get jumbled in my head, and I forget the exact wording that I had planned out. For instance, I had forgotten to include labels for last week's post and had to add some to update it before I started on this week's post. That type of thing happens a lot to me when I write. I think it is due to the fact that I don't like to write many of my ideas down until they are ready. I don't really believe in making a first draft of anything; I just think it up until time. This means that I usually have dozens of ideas rushing around my head at any given moment. For some of my most important writings, I would make at least one draft beforehand, just so I can see things out. For short works like this, it isn't worth the paper to just make another copy. Yes, this means that I don't like to change things that much once they are on the page. For this blog, it works out alright. For more important things, though, I would create multiple drafts, just to make sure that I am not leaving anything our. It has frequently been my style for writing all my life. The main part of it occurs in my head; the actual putting words down is almost an afterthought. My people might not like the process I take, but it has worked out for me. Because of this, I don't really get along with others sometimes. For many people I have dealt with, this ease annoys them. Sometimes, it can even infuriate. That isn't that much of an exaggeration either. I know that I am different this way, but I can't help but writing my own way. Considering that I have decided to become a professional writer, of some type, this my be a benefit or a problem. I believe I am now wondering through my own thoughts now, probably to the point where I am no longer making sense. This happens to me quite often. It is all because of my writing style again. I am amazed it doesn't occur more often. I better stop now before I lose myself completely in my work.
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